Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
