i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
