I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
two words: eviction party
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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