i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
