turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
