haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
