So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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