he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize