the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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