my phone needs a breathalizer
farters have to be the big spoon...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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