i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
