So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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