whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
