Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Do vagina's smell?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize