he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
