I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
