At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I could make wine with my vomit
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
