Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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