apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
