I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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