im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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