No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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