You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
