still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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