i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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