I murdered the dance floor call the cops
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
