After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
God, I missed his penis.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
