I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
