Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
