My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
