You're my little dorito
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
