Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
