omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
