Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize