Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
