WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
