So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize