Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
