; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
People in love make me want to vomit
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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