Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
