I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
