he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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