Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
