I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
