Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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