true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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