bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
