I never want to see another naked old woman again.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize