I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize