im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
