God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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