I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
