I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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