It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
