I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
