Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
