My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize