The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
