does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
