i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
