Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
