My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
